,

Breaking-Up With California

~

It’s hard to write this. It’s even harder to publish.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to admit I’m moving on. Will they think I’m a failure? Do I think I’m a failure? Am I letting the people who love me down by not coming back? The river of insecurity rushes by me faster than I can offer compassionate answers.

But here’s the hard truth: California never felt like home. So I left.

We had a good run. This feels like one of those break-ups between two good people who just aren’t right for each other. I planted so much love there, and despite the fact that for a while there we were on thin ice, I feel like we turned it around in the end. After years of trying to make it work, I finally understood that what’s right doesn’t take so much effort.

I’ll spare you all the sappy details. Because let’s be real, California has been through so many break-ups by now it will surely move on to someone new by the end of the week. It has a way of attracting sparkle-eyed adventure girls like me.

Regardless, I’d like to share a bit of what California meant to me during our three-year rendezvous.

Moving to Los Angeles was my first attempt at making it in the real world. I thought I was equipped for it, which I find unceasingly amusing now. Is anyone ready for the world at 22? I learned more about myself leaving the Midwest than I ever thought possible—and in such a short amount of time.

That’s what coastal energy does to us, I believe. There’s a sense of impermanence that feels heightened. The tides ascend and then decline back to Mother Ocean’s blue belly right as we dip our hands in to catch. The breezes carry seasons of rain and colorful wanderers into town to change the scenery and tell stories rich with lessons if we listen closely.

It was exciting but damn, was it ungrounding.

You know what else California taught me? Fucking up is normal. It’s human nature. If our Souls were perfect and had it all figured out we wouldn’t be on Earth, wobbly-kneed in these depreciating bodies. We’d be living it up, floating around somewhere golden and celestial.

We’re here to make mistakes, learn the lessons, and evolve.

Not every chapter is meant to be comfortable. Not every chapter is meant to grow roots. I’ve moved ten times in the past three years. I lived on the top floor of a Hollywood studio with a primo view of Capitol Records, and then I lived in a tent. In the process, I lost a lot of “stuff” I thought I couldn’t live without.

I did, in fact, live.

The funny thing about comfort is it makes change a hell of a lot scarier. We get slow, we get a little sleepy and complacent. The roaring fire of our dreams shifts from its perch under our asses and onto the back burner, slowly going out. Our new dream now is one day installing granite over the kitchen sink. Not me. I’m grateful for the upheaval since 2014 because in never settling down I never settled for less than my heart’s calling, even when I didn’t know what she meant or where to go next. Not this? On to the next thing.

Perhaps the greatest gift California gave me, though, was trust in myself. She has pushed me to endure more than I ever thought possible. I used to believe I couldn’t handle the demands and pressures of this world. That everyone wanted something from me and I would always come up short. I relied on others to rise to the occasion when shit hit the fan. But that changed. I’m my own guardian now, and it feels so good. I know, at all costs, I will show up for myself. Now I can leap off the most daunting cliffsides, into the darkness, without a clue of what lies below, because I trust that I know how to fall. How to heal. How to listen to Soul and take that next first step all over again.

Thank you, beautiful Golden State, for guiding this adventure. Thank you for breaking me so I could grow my bones back stronger. Thank you for holding me, and now, thank you for letting me go.

And just like that, it was over.

Next stop, Boulder.

In Soul, Danielle

1 reply

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *